64 Chromosomes — Vi Khi Nao
Olivia stood outside of the church staring at the bell tower in the abyss. A coldness, not from the breeze, expanded its circumference across her back. She couldn’t decide if she wanted to enter or walked back to the cemetery. It was still too early in the late afternoon. Already her day stretched out like a giraffe. A man in a cowboy hat walked out.
“Sir, is he still in there?”
“Is who in there?”
The man removed his hat, ran his fingers through his hair. At the entrance of his forehead was a cornfield recently harvested. The eye could see its row dividers. Olivia did not like movie theaters where horror movies were being shown in the late afternoon. The man’s head had two harvestable ears and she could imagine the population of corn multiplied as he spoke, which in her eyes was a horror movie. It made her skin crawl.
“A man.”
“There are many men in there.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, men in business suits, holding petite wedding bells.”
“Is someone getting married in there?”
“No, there’s only a small funeral.”
“Then why were the men holding wedding bells?”
“Because they ran out of funeral bells.”
“Well, thank you.”
“Why don’t you go in there? It’s quite harmless. People who grieve are too weak to fight. They move like mules after a long day of work.”
“I am supposed to marry a man in there. An oil magnate.”
“And, you are afraid?”
“No.”
“Then what?”
“I want to marry a horse.”
“A man that looks or works like a horse?”
“A horse as in a horse, with long mane, tail, etc.”
“Lady, no one would marry you to a horse. I swear. There’s no such thing.”
“I like my husband to have 64 chromosomes. A palindrome of the humans.”
“What does that mean?”
“We have 46.”
“I see.”
“Exactly. I also like my husband to sweat a lot. A horse sweats so much when he runs.”
“A husband can too if you work him hard.”
“It will take a lifetime for a man to get there. I also like my husband to be precocial.”
“You sure make a lot of demands from a husband.”
“I sure don’t.”
“What is precocial, by the way?”
“Being able to care for himself right away, right after being born.”
“An infant man needs the nursing and care of his mother.”
“Exactly.”
“You are sure an impatient woman.”
“I don’t like the courtship of existence. This has to happen and that has to happen. I want things NOW! Not later. This is why I don’t like Amazon Prime very much. Ship in 24 hours !—that’s a joke! An offensive joke. What if I ran out of toilet paper and needed one right away? Do I have to wait 24 hours to wipe my ass? Or even worse, wipe it using my hand towel?”
“There’s newspaper you can crumple up you know.”
“What century are you from?”
“Alright. Everyone reads the news digitally. I get it. I get that you like your meals pre-cooked, you like your man pre-made, immediate efficient humans, you are fond of already made art. Care if I ask: are you fond of Marcel Duchamp?”
“He is ugly. Have you seen his face on Wikipedia? He looks like a ghost.”
“He can’t help himself.”
“Sure he can. He’s holding a cigar pipe while smoke flutters above his bald head. His eyes look hollowed out and his fingers too sylph-like. And, his lips, man, his lips appear as if they had been glued on indiscriminately with grass.”
“Aren’t you too harsh?”
“I’m a simple woman with simple needs.”
“Wanting a horse for a husband is not simple.”
“I can’t imagine anything simpler.”
“I can.”
“What is that? Your wife?”
“My wife is no simple woman. She’s very calculating, demanding.”
“How so?”
“She wants me to sell our cow, Mara, so we have the money to have an elaborate sweet 16th birthday celebration for my only daughter, Evelyn.”
“That’s a very simple demand. When you said demanding, I thought she wanted you to build her a mansion in this wasteland. But, a birthday party? That’s very reasonable.”
“I’ve raised Mara for eight years now and I am quite fond of her. I wouldn’t know what to do with myself without her.”
“It seems like you want to marry Mara. No wonder you’re wife’s calculating!”
“I don’t want to marry my cow. My cow doesn’t scold me.”
“But your wife does. You’re a silly man. No wonder she scolds you.”
“You’re scolding me now and you’re not even my wife!”
“I don’t like a man who clearly knows he is in a cage but wants to use his wings.”
“A bird is designed and is born to fly.”
“Not if you cut off his wings.”
“My wife—”
“Your wife has a tongue that can cut off your wings. I know. I know.”
“If you don’t have the courage to cut your wife’s tongue off in her sleep, you should sell Mara. She’ll forgive you.”
“Mara licks my hands in the morning.”
“And, your wife sucks you in the evening. What more do you want?”
“I suppose I don’t want a mouth that can’t do a blowjob.”
“Exactly. Now I must go find my equestrian, sudorific husband.”
“I do have a husband I am happy to sell…”
“Ah, old man, all along now you’ve been gloating about your cow.”
“He’s very wild, very unruly though. And, can’t seem to be broken.”
“I can break him.”
“Not if he breaks you first.”
“What’s his name?”
“Alfred.”
“I’ve always wanted a husband named Alfred.”
“He’s a Turkmenistani.”
“My husband is Muslim.”
“Indeed he would be.”
“Does he sweat greatly?”
“Oh, indeed. Known for his tenacious stamina.”
“What else?”
“An Akhal-Teke, his coat is in excellent shape—pearly and lustrous—just so soft to the touch.”
“He seems expensive.”
“He’s expensive.”
“You seem like a frugal man – how did you come to such excellent wealth?”
“He was a gift.”
“From whom?”
“Nobody.”
“Cough it out.”
“It was a bargain or insurance.”
“So he wasn’t a gift.”
“The businessman said he wanted to use my land to dig oil. Alfred—”
“I see. So, he forced Alfred upon you and he can’t even be broken.”
“I tried…At any rate, I’ll sell him to you.”
“Not now.”
“Why not now? I’m happy to sell.”
“I’ll get him from you for free. I must go and get married now.”
“What?”
“Yes, to that man.”
“In church? I thought you don’t want to marry him.”
“Yes, I still don’t. Why, old man, buy something for an arm or leg when I can get my future husband for free?”
“Marriage isn’t freedom.”
“But that horse is.”
***
Vi Khi Nao’s work includes poetry, fiction, film, play, and cross-genre collaboration. Her poetry collection, A Bell Curve Is A Pregnant Straight Line, and her short stories collection, The Vegas Dilemma, are out this Summer and Fall 2021 respectively. She was the fall 2019 fellow at the Black Mountain Institute.