(Not) Roberto Bolaño — Mauro Javier Cárdenas (excerpts from the novel American Abductions)

I’m not afraid of my story can I have the recording when we’re done I can prank these people hide the recording inside these walls what do you think don’t answer this is my interview, Roberto Bolaño says, greetings, my fellow whatever you still call yourselves, my name is Roberto Bolaño, which Roberto Bolaño, you say, I am the replica of the replica of Roberto Bolaño, I say, not to be mistaken with the replica of Roberto Bolaño, how are these two different, you say, is this an interview or an interrogation what is the difference I’m just confusing with you my name is Roberto Bolaño, no relation to the other Roberto Bolaño how can you be sure you are not a replica of Roberto Bolaño, you say, good one, I say, this is going to be a horror story, Antonio says, didn’t I tell you not to add yourself to my interview avoid these interferences or I will switch our dial to kaput, Roberto Bolaño says, the walls are howling, these people will say after we hide the recording inside these walls we need a remote control, batteries, speakers, a drill they don’t allow drills here for obvious reasons did you bring a drill I know you didn’t you come here, dress like a mourner from gothlandia, thinking I am going to answer your questions let me see your questions, one, ask Roberto Bolaño what 2666 means, why did you cross out your first question you can reply with your hands but no audio interferences are those antlers I can’t understand your hand motions turn down the volume of your hands, two, ask Roberto Bolaño why his father brought him to the United States when he was eleven years old, three, don’t ask Roberto Bolaño directly about the injections at the American detention center but find a way to bring up the subject, four, how did you end up here in Bogota, no audio interferences, please, you’re missing questions five through one thousand and five, five, does Roberto lap in the ocean, six, does Roberto still rhyme with Alberto if Roberto is dead, seven, how will we cover the holes on these walls we’ll need seascapes and of course canapés while we wait for Alberto to paint the seaspaces you want to know why my father and I ventured across rivers and borders and lacunas and effervescent Americans hiding in the bushes your capacity to imagine why atrophied long ago your minds, dear whatever you’re still called, have congealed us, we’re mannequins we’re representatives of a different class of people to you close your eyes now, do try it, don’t worry I won’t stitch your eyelids don’t hide behind the bushes close your eyes blow air into your imagination ask yourself what would force you to shutter your home and strap a tire around your son close your eyes, Antonio, every night Godzilla appears in my neighborhood and knocks on my door Godzilla says we have come for the baked goods and your son and Roberto Bolaño Senior says not tonight as he hands Godzilla the bribe and the baked goods and before Roberto Bolaño Senior runs out of bribes and baked goods he flees with Roberto Bolaño Junior to where the people in the bushes are murmuring why come here / don’t stay here, keep your eyes closed, Antonio, dear whatever you are still called you are unable to imagine a scenario in which you flee from your condominiums your ski cabins your bread and breakfasts your master premise stipulates that your preapproved comforts will protect you from Godzilla & Company unless you don’t meet the preapproval requirements I know you don’t want to hear any of this you want the earnest replica of Roberto Bolaño you won’t transcribe the rest ready, set, pause for effect, go, I am afraid, Roberto Bolaño says, please help me, what are you afraid of, Roberto Bolaño says, of people asking me what am I afraid of, Roberto Bolaño says, I don’t remember his face, Roberto Bolaño says, what face, Roberto Bolaño says, the face of the guard who tried to wrench me from my father I don’t remember the faces of the replicas of the guard who came to assist the faceless guard my father wouldn’t let the faceless guard take me from him, do you remember what your father said, Roberto Bolaño says, under no circumstances does my son leave my side, Roberto Bolaño Senior said, you swine you come to this country uninvited you think you can dictate the terms of your entry, the faceless guard said, under no circumstances does my son leave my side, Roberto Bolaño Senior said while he shielded me with his arms I can see a replica of myself standing in front of myself and my father whose arms were locked below my neck like those metals bars that protect you from flying off the roller coaster and the replica of myself says please don’t worry too much Dad this moment will be over soon, and a replica of a replica of myself appears and says to the three of us I have come from the future to tell you you are incorrect, what else does he say, Roberto Bolaño says, I had never seen a fistfight with my father in it, Roberto Bolaño Junior says, how many faceless replicas of the faceless guard does it take to restrain a father, Roberto Bolaño says, I don’t recall the exact number they replicated themselves and kicked my father until his sprawled body on the floor halted its movements, do you remember the sound of his shoes against the cement as they dragged him away, Roberto Bolaño says, what a ridiculous question of course I remember like claws on cement leave him alone the sedated caged people didn’t howl the faceless replicas transported me to a different location that same day, what was your father like, Roberto Bolaño says, my father was an astrophysicist what you really want to extract from me is tender memories of my father and I so your readers can relate to this double replicate of Roberto Bolaño dear whatever you’re still called if you’re reading these words you won’t be able to relate to me tell me a bedtime story, Roberto Bolaño Junior would say to Roberto Bolaño Senior, what kind of protagonist this time, Roberto Bolaño Senior would say, a boy, Roberto Bolaño Junior said, twelve years old, once upon a time there was a boy who didn’t know if he was here or there, the father said, so the boy searched online am I here or there and the results were really strange, what were they, the son said, we might be inside the ear of a spider, the father said, which didn’t make any sense because do spiders even have ears, and if they do happen to have ears wouldn’t they have hairs inside their ears, so the boy searched online do spiders have hairs inside their ears and the results were really strange, what were they, the boy said, the absence of hairs inside the ear of the spider probably means you’re inside a spider planet inside a spider galaxy, the father said, which didn’t make any sense because the boy didn’t remember boarding any interplanetary spider ships so how did he even get there, so the boy searched online again and the strange search results bewildered him again and again until the boy fell asleep, what are you writing down, Antonio, let me see, what is this handwriting talk about spiders, the last time I saw my father I was eighteen years old, Antonio has written down, what do I care about your father this is my interview, Antonio, my father, my strange search results, once upon a time Antonio searched online for forceful injections to tranquilize Latin American children at the American detention centers near the border and the results were really strange, what were they, Antonio Junior said, Geodon, Olanzapine, Benztropine, Clonazepam, Divalproex, Duloxetine, Guanfacine, which didn’t make any sense because these were antipsychotic drugs, these were for Parkinson’s, for seizures, so Antonio searched online for side effects of injections and the results were really strange, what were they, Antonio Junior said, the male nurse didn’t look like a boxer, Antonio, the male nurse didn’t look like Santa, where is my father, Roberto Bolaño Junior said, where have they taken my father, Roberto Bolaño Junior said, when will I see my father again, Roberto Bolaño Junior said, these injections are vitamins, the male nurse said, why are you hypnotizing me, Roberto Bolaño Junior said, why is the sky shrinking, Roberto Bolaño Junior said, wash under your armpits you dirty rat, the male nurse said, more, you say, you want more suffering and squalor, say it, Antonio, I’m waiting, good, you have learned to train your silence, please sit back and relax yes I know you’re already sitting, Antonio, ready, set, pause for affect, go, once upon a time Roberto Bolaño was released from the internment camps for refugee children from Central America and while the vitamins still coursed through his brain Roberto Bolaño searched online for his father’s name and the results were really strange, what were they, Roberto Bolaño Junior said, a Honduran man in the custody of U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement died Tuesday of injuries sustained in a suicide attempt last week, authorities said, Roberto Bolaño Gonzalez was discovered on September 19th hanging in his cell at the Adelanto Detention Facility in Adelanto, California, about 800 miles northeast of Los Angeles, authorities said, we have personnel who monitor all the facilities twenty four seven, authorities said, unfortunately this individual was housed in a room for one person, authorities said, he tied a bedsheet around his neck to hang himself, authorities said, and that, as you know, happens very quickly.

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I couldn’t read his mind but I knew the doctor wanted different dreams from me, Roberto Bolaño thinks, the solemn doctor wouldn’t complain wouldn’t say I am tired of your same dream I studied mythology astrology urology so I can interpret interplanetary dreams and the discourse of aliens and yet you come here, Robertito, week after week, with the same dream, and I tolerate it as a favor to your uncle, who I don’t even like, no, the doctor never complained about my same dream the doctor even wrote down notes every week perhaps his notes consisted of same dream / same dream / same dream / can this malfunctioning adolescent read my mind / guilt is boring, did you dream this week, Robertito, the doctor would say, yes, doctor, I would say, let’s hear it, the doctor would say, faceless guards replicate themselves they kick my father until his sprawled body on the floor halts its movements, I would say, where are you in the dream, the doctor would say, I am restrained by a faceless guard, I would say, what does your father say, the doctor would say, under no circumstances does my son leave my side, I would say, what do you think the dream means, the doctor would say, when I awake I think they have taken him away again, I would say, and the knowledge that they have already taken him doesn’t diminish the feeling that they have taken him again, where is Antonio, Roberto Bolaño says, it’s past midnight your new friend said he will be back tomorrow, a male nurse says, he comes here, Roberto Bolaño says, dressed like a mourner from gothlandia, I don’t know what that means, the male nurse says, why are you even awake shouldn’t you be dreaming of antibodies trapezoids gelatin, Roberto Bolaño says, I’m trying to self-induce dreams of my grandfather, the male nurse says, I want to dream of your grandfather too, Roberto Bolaño says, say to yourself I will not think of my grandfather, the male nurse says, I will not think of your grandfather, Roberto Bolaño says, now go back to your room before the robots find you, the male nurse says, I couldn’t read his mind but I knew the doctor wanted different dreams from me, Roberto Bolaño writes, so I searched online for patterns of grief dreams and the results were really strange, what were they, Roberto Bolaño says, soon after the death of the loved one the patient will experience alive again dreams, followed by disorganization dreams, and, once the patient has recovered, pleasant dreams, I am having a picnic on a meteor and my father approaches me and says sorry I am so late, Roberto Bolaño Junior wrote, I am washing my school uniform by hand and my father appears and says don’t use it as a hat until it has dried completely, Roberto Bolaño Junior wrote, I am drawing circles for an assignment on circles and through a speakerphone on the wall my father explains to me why we shouldn’t fear the existence of black holes, Roberto Bolaño Junior wrote, sorry I am so late, Roberto Bolaño’s father says, you always say sorry I am late but you’re always late anyway, Roberto Bolaño says, I understand you’re upset at me but it hasn’t been as long as you think, Roberto Bolaño’s father says, why did you come back, Roberto Bolaño says, I was hungry and I was told you would share your egg sandwich with me, Roberto Bolaño’s father says, I was told to avoid certain keywords or my dreams of you would vanish from me but I don’t remember which keywords to avoid, Roberto Bolaño says, I’ve returned to tell you it was a misunderstanding, Roberto Bolaño’s father says, which part, Roberto Bolaño says, the part about being inside the ear of a spider, Roberto Bolaño’s father says, I am glad you find this funny, Roberto Bolaño says, keep your voice down, the male nurse says, I am not in a condition to be finding anything but I understand what you mean, Roberto Bolaño’s father says, since you’re here you might as well tell me a bedtime story, Roberto Bolaño says, once upon a time there was a boy from Honduras who lived with his uncle in Bogota and worried about his doctor ending his weekly sessions out of boredom, Roberto Bolaño’s father says, so the boy searched online for grief patterns in dreams and invented thrilling grief dreams for his doctor, but the boy was so good at inventing these dreams in which his father was alive again that, when the day came for him to meet his doctor, he didn’t know which dream to pick first, so the boy numbered his dreams and searched for a random number generator online, setting the minimum to 1 and the maximum to 17 (I have 17 weeks of these alive again dreams, the boy thought, which will last me until Christmas unless I’m bedridden again, so after Christmas I will have to decide whether to invent more of these alive again dreams or switch to the next phase of grief dreams known as disorganization dreams, and I will need to accumulate the right data to monitor the impact of my dreams on my solemn doctor (my dream journal will include a rating for each dream based on the doctor’s engagement level so I can track any negative trends like excessive yawning, narcolepsy, ironic phrases like so your father is alive again, eh?)), did you dream this week, Robertito, the doctor said, yes, doctor, the boy said, let’s hear it, the doctor said, I am drawing circles for an assignment on circles and through a speakerphone on the wall my father explains to me why we shouldn’t fear the existence of black holes, the boy said, what do you think the dream means, the doctor said (I will conceal my excitement about the boy having a different dream for the first time, the doctor thought, because even the most minute reaction can revert us back to the same dream—any questions or interjections, Dr. Sueño says, even an errant word might lead us astray to far away galaxies we didn’t anticipate—plus my wife says that I look like a weasel when I appear too pleased), my father is alive again, the boy said, he speaks to you through a speakerphone, the doctor said, the speakerphones are everywhere, the boy said, and this was true because after the boy had written down the dream quickly, like Robert Desnos during his sleeping fits (how many years will have to pass before I know who Roberto Desnos is, the boy thought—something to look forward to, Robert Desnos said—), the boy reread it and imagined a city with speakerphones on every wall and every flagpole so that on his way to school his father could tell him intergalactic stories or reprimand him about not his tying his shoes, don’t mind the speakerphones that’s just my dad, the boy would say to passerby, maybe if you learned to tie your shoes we wouldn’t have to hear that annoying voice every day, a passerby would say, let’s steal his shoes if he’s barefoot maybe his father will shut up about his son tying his shoes, another passerby would say, very good, Robertito, the doctor said, that you’re no longer stuck in the same dream means we’re making progress, even though I was still stuck in the same dream, Roberto Bolaño writes. 

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Mauro Javier Cárdenas is the author of the novels APHASIA (FSG 2020) and THE REVOLUTIONARIES TRY AGAIN (Coffee House Press, 2016). In 2017, The Hay Festival included him in Bogotá39, a selection of the best young Latin American novelists.